Inner Game Confidence
If you are reading this page then I am guessing that you are looking for help with your inner game confidence. Firstly let’s talk about what inner game and confidence actually is. I am sure that you have read a lot about confidence techniques, well I have worked with hundreds of guys and this article is the results of what I have found.
Confidence itself doesn’t exist! I have spent several years working with guys with “confidence” issues and I have figured out that it simply doesn’t exist. What actually exists are emotions, such as fear, and this blocks our natural confidence (or our creative ability as detailed later).
Confidence exists when fear (or other strong emotions) isn’t present!
The male brain is very different from females in the way we use language, carry out tasks and access emotion. As you are probably aware, girls are much more emotional than men, and can perform tasks while experiencing intense emotional states. Men are different as our brains are more compartmentalised and not designed to experience emotion at the same time as carrying out tasks.
Men are designed to do one function at a time, women are designed to multitask. Women also have more developed language centres so they can talk and do other things at the same time. As our brains are different, when women suffer from stress they talk more, when men suffer from stress we become very quite. When men are silent it allows us to access our problem solving areas of the brain, women achieve this whilst talking.
So how does this relate to approach anxiety? Well take the average guy learning the game, he has an opener and sees a girl he wants to approach. He makes eye contact and starts to walk over, then suddenly they become anxious, they stomach ties in knots, their hands sweat and their minds go blank. The reason why their mind goes blank is because men cannot experience high emotional states, problem solve and talk all at the same time!
So why do men become anxious when approaching a girl? From working with hundreds of guys the typical answer is that they are scared of rejection. So why is rejection so bad for a man? Why do most men approach a girl, because they want to sleep with them! Men want to sleep with women to procreate, so if the girl rejects them it means they won’t get to sow their seed and pass on their genes. This translates to a man being a man, and instead of approaching a girl and being rejected their body is trying to save them from this and therefore tries to physically going through with it.
So here is what happens;
A guy sees a girl he wants to talk to
If he feels like there is a chance he could be rejected making him less of a man
Adrenalin is produced causing approach anxiety. The approach anxiety is produced to keep the man from speaking to the girl and being rejected, therefore not having to feel like he isn’t a real man
Anxiety is a strong emotion and men are not able to experience strong emotion and use their problem solving and language centres all at once. His mind goes blank, his stomach ties in knots and his body is put into a state of readiness for physical action, not communication
Once the man decides not to approach he feels instantly better as adrenalin stops being produced.
Once the pressure is off he is able to come up with the perfect thing to have said to as he can access the problem solving part of the brain again.
This in turn makes the next time ever harder as the man is now more frustrated that before. As more time goes by it becomes harder to approach girls up until the point where people just give up.
The lesson here is that men can only do one thing well at a time. Women can multi task and have much more developed language and communication skills than men.
Does the above sound familiar? This is very common amongst men, especially those with less experience with women. If you build up to approach a girl it is a big deal, if she did reject you it could mean that you don’t approach another girl for years (yes this really is the case with some guys).
Image it like this, say you go to a casino and you put a massive bet on something with very high odds, such as roulette. You have mortgaged your house, sold your car and put in your life saving. You have once chance and you are going to stick it on 18 black. If you lose, you lose everything, yet you think you have everything to gain. Typically what you would gain is actually far too much for you to handle anyway. Did you know that the majority of people who win over £100k on the lottery and financially worse off after 18 months than before they won. It is because they are not used to dealing with that much money and they also thought that money was the answer to their problems.
When you risk such a high amount, every part of your mind and body will be telling you not to do it because it isn’t worth it. This is the same when you approach a girl without having much experience, you are gambling your worth as a man!
Now take this example into consideration. Say you go to a casino with an amount you can afford to lose without it bothering you. Instead of putting everything on one spin of the roulette, you just stick on a few chips at a time and play the odds. Are you going to be more or less relaxed in this scenario than in the previous one where you could lose everything?
So how does this relate to PUA confidence? Well it has everything to do with it. Most guys who get into pick up have little experience in dealing with women and therefore they see approaching women as something that is daunting. Pick up teaches us how to approach women we don’t even know on the street or groups of girls in clubs. From going from not having much skill with women to making cold approaches, is a large jump and a gamble.
So what is the answer? Instead of trying to “build up” confidence, remove the anxiety! There are several ways to do this, firstly you need to understand that you are not gambling much when speaking to a girl. The idea that someone can “reject you” based on a short interaction is ridiculous. Instead of approaching cold, build your social circle so you meet girls in a more natural way.
The key here is to remember that men have difficulty talking and problem solving when under pressure. We can only do one thing at a time, so reduce the pressure and you are able to access your language centres and creative parts of the brain much more easily.
Here is an example, when you are with friends isn’t talking easy? Why would you be nervous when you are talking with friends? When you are relaxed you can literally be yourself, kind, funny and entertaining. When pressure is introduced into the interaction you suddenly start reacting emotionally instead of creatively. When near women men are often “lost for words”. This is true because they have problems access the language centres in the brain.
There are many self help techniques that are out there to help men get over this confidence issue. Many involve getting men into strong emotional states of “confidence” and make them feel big and powerful. There are seminars you can attend where you walk over hot coals to prove just how confident you are. This can work for a short time, but it only produces short term results. Before you talk to a girl you need to go through this ritual, personally I can’t be bothered.
Many confidence techniques have what I call the sun tan effect. When you are doing them and for a short while after it feels great. After a few days the effects starts to fade and you are back to step 1. Image having a bike that has a slow puncture. Most confidence methods are the equivalent of pumping up the tyre every time you need to use it. The way I see confidence is actually dealing with the puncture itself.
True confidence is knowing you have the resources and ability to complete a job or task. It is not some heightened state of feeling powerful. The resources that a pick up artist should have are rapport skills, conversation skills, anchoring techniques, story telling ability, kino escalation skills, dress sense and social proof. I am sure there are lots more too. The job or task might be to get a girls number, if you have the resources then this should be easy and not daunting.
From working with hundreds of guys I always advise to start off slow and build up steadily. Everyone wants the silver bullet, the magic pill, amazing results overnight. This is unrealistic and you would not be able to deal with such results due to lack of experience. Getting good with girls takes time and plenty of practice. Like people who win the lottery, you simply wouldn’t be able to deal with overnight success with women.
I advise that you do one of two things. The first option is to learn a few openers and try to have conversations with girls in low pressure environments. This could be with existing friends, girls who work in coffee shops or people you meet at an event or social gathering. Practice your skills with everyone, not just women you find attractive. This will then get you prepared and practiced for when you do talk to girls you are interested in.
The second option is to come and see me for one to one sessions. I am able to remove a guy’s anxiety from social interactions and set them weekly manageable tasks. This builds up a solid foundation of skills and knowledge combined with real world practice.
Just listen to these two phone conversations with previous clients to hear what progress they have made in their life since working with me. You can listen online or download them as an MP3.
The client Dan has social anxiety and general confidence issues. He went from not being able to walk through town without looking at the ground, to being sociable, confident and really enjoying his life. Hear Dan's story by clicking on play and waiting a few moments. You can also download it by right clicking “save target as” on the below link.
Download this MP3 "Confidence testimonial 1"
The client Anthony has social anxiety and general confidence issues. He had problems speaking to girls and generally avoided social situations. Since the sessions Anthony life has changed in many ways. Hear Anthony's story by clicking on play and waiting a few moments. You can also download it by right clicking “save target as” on the below link.
Download this MP3 "Confidence testimonial 2"
I am only able to take on a limited about of clients as I have other work commitments. If you are interested in having an informal chat about how I might be able to help you, please email me at matt@realworldhypnotherapy.com. I am based in North London.
Matt Kendall (Hypnomatt from PUA Training)